English Fast and Easy

I love stories. I love telling them and hearing them. And I've found that students young and old improve their English fastest when they learn through a story. Here are a few of mine...

Friday, April 10, 2009

MARRIED TO A MALAYSIAN

People often ask me if it’s difficult being a Caucasian Canadian woman married to a Chinese Malaysian man.

Overall, men are men no matter where they're from. All over the world, men do not put their dirty socks in the laundry basket. In my case, the biggest challenges of being married to a Chinese Malaysian involve language.

The language issue is challenging because it shows up on a daily basis in many forms. In my North American English, “Do you want to stir the soup please?” is not actually a question. It’s a casual polite request. To my husband when we first married, it meant he had a choice. We had a lot of burned soup that first year.

On the bright side, language differences can help a marriage. They can actually stop a heated argument immediately - especially when idioms are translated from another language to English. Here is an example of a recent argument between my husband and me:

Me: I asked you to call me if you were going to come home late!
Him: I didn’t have time!
Me: YOU DIDN’T HAVE TIME?!
Him: I WAS BUSY!!
Me: YOU COULDN’T FIND TWO MINUTES TO CALL?!
Him: I CAN’T EAT IN THE EAST AND SLEEP IN THE WEST!!
(long pause)
Me: Huh?

Language problems have also had a comical side in our marriage. It’s amazing how a small change in a sentence can distort the entire meaning. An example of this is how a very romantic mood was once ruined when we were first dating. During one late-night stroll along the waterfront, he gazed lovingly at me and whispered, “I love all your eyes.” All my eyes?? Suddenly I felt like an alien from Planet Zutar.

The language itself is not the only problem. Sometimes the amount of language spoken can be problematic for both of us. We North Americans tend to volunteer too much information. In contrast, getting my husband to open up is like scraping the last of the toothpaste out of the tube. To illustrate this, the following is an example of a similar conversation spoken by my family in Montreal, Canada, and by my husband’s family in Seremban, Malaysia.

MY FAMILY
Me: Have you eaten yet?
My mother: Well, I had a little bite around 11:00. I had some fantastic rye
bread
I bought yesterday at Guido’s. They’ve just started selling it last
week. It’s not as good as the whole wheat but it is nice and it’s very
expensive so I just bought half a loaf. And I had a little of that nice
cheese Susan gave me. Actually I prefer a stronger cheese. I haven’t been very hungry lately I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the weather. Yesterday, I didn’t have any lunch at all, just a small breakfast and the rest of the roast from Sunday.

MY HUSBAND’S FAMILY (translated from Chinese to English)
Him: Eat yet?
His mother: Full already.

This difference in communication styles can be difficult for both of us. I often feel I have to drag information out of my husband. To me, being married to a Chinese man can feel like one long game of “20 Questions”. In his defense, he complains that in our 6 years of marriage, he’s never received a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. (note influence of mother).

The bottom line is that opposites do attract. I learn something from my husband’s culture even when it clashes with my own. I also learn about my own culture through the comparison. And I love my husband’s strong silent character. I feel safe and secure with him. He, on the other hand, likes coming home to a cheerful wife with stories to tell and a laugh to be had. We often talk about how much we’ve grown by embracing the best of the other’s cultures.

Having said this, if you are a western woman planning on marrying a Chinese man, I’d like to share a few pieces of advice with you, all of which I learned the hard way:
1. The oranges at the altar are not for eating.
2. Yellow flowers are for funerals. They are not appropriate for your mother-In-law’s birthday.
3. Kissing your mother-in-law will not actually help to bring you closer together.
4. At Chinese New Year, when you play your first friendly game of
blackjack with your husband’s friends, do not bring your purse. The
game is not that friendly.